Why You Aren't Getting Second Dates

You're in your mid-thirties and the online dating demographics now favor you. For every dateable man your age, there are three or four women. And, so, lots of women would rather let you buy them a few drinks than spend another night at home watching Grey's Anatomy and running down the batteries in their vibrators. You get plenty of first dates but most of them don't lead to second dates. Why not?

It's because you're good on paper but not good relationship material. You're successful, smart, reasonably good-looking, and you make passable conversation. That's all the stuff that should be coming across in your profile. It's the first filter - she's convinced you're good enough for her. But the filtering never really stops - even with the numbers game on your side, there are still plenty of guys good enough for her. You can be sure she's going on first dates with many of them. So, the next filter is evaluating your relationship potential. If you fail there, no second date, because she doesn't want to get at all physical with you if you're a dead end.

To understand this second filter, you first have to understand what women want beyond the basics. For this, we can look at how men and women view money. Men use money to get women, period. Women, however, use money to build their social circle and raise their position within it. Basically, men derive status from having money, while women get status from spending it - on themselves and on others. So, on the first date, she's looking for signals about how generous you are because she wants a man who will enhance her status.

Now, if you have any sense at all, you avoid all the obvious first date missteps. You don't drink whatever's on special. You pay for the date even if she offers to split the check. You tip well but not too well - 20% or a dollar a drink, whichever's higher. But the great irony is that the very things that tend to make you look good on paper are also likely to make you fail to get a second date. The very attributes that led to your professional success are toxic in relationships. In short, you're coming off as selfish.

So, you're successful, which is good. But if you're successful, you probably work hard and don't have the time or inclination to do chick-friendly things like volunteer. If you work hard to make a decent salary, you probably aren't overly happy about government programs to support people who slack or don't have their shit together. Now, even if you happily spend money on whoever you're with, the first date is no time to be lavish - if it's obvious that a first date is a special occasion, you'll appear slightly desperate. But all the same she wants to see that you are a generous person.

Fortunately, there's a simple solution: pretend to be socially conscious. If she brings up politics, tell her conservatives are way too selfish and wonder out loud how they can live with themselves. Emphatically state that no one can live on the current minimum wage. Tell her you think it's scandalous that health care isn't a right - and get bonus generosity-culture points by adding, "like it is in Europe." And never, ever suggest that poor people might be largely responsible for their condition. Don't lay it on too thick. No "Universal Coverage NOW" bumper stickers. Just say you think the government should help out people in trouble. The fewer details, the better - more talk means more chances to be discovered as the selfish bastard you are. And never talk about the possible cost of all these things.

Honestly, it's just a signal - she doesn't care whether you're socially conscious or not. I mean, unless she's actually actively involved in some cause - in which case, you wouldn't want to date her, anyway. But she will think that you're generous. That you won't serve cheap wine at a dinner party. That, if she's personally in financial troubles, you'll help her out. That, if she wants some expensive thing, you wouldn't refuse her because that would just be mean and cheap. That you understand her money is hers because she earned it but your money gets shared because you're loving and supportive.

Do this and you will get follow-up dates, with all the associated groping and screwing. And, when you've grown tired of her, you have an easy path to a clean break-up. Just sit halfway up in bed, put your hand behind your head, and say, "I've been thinking... how are we going to pay for all these social programs, anyway?" She'll be gone before you can start your next sentence.