Why Men Should Talk Like Women

Sticking to careless generalities, as usual, men are direct and women are subtle. When a man wants something, he just says it or more often just gets it. When a woman wants something, she first tries to find out if anyone else wants it, too. Except, you know, when she gives you surprise tickets to a dance performance, with lots of men in leotards, for your birthday. Yes, it happened to me. Once.

Consider a married couple, on the highway, approaching an exit with a Starbucks. Suppose one of them wants coffee. The conversations would probably go like this:

Man [thinking]: Mmm, coffee.
Man: Let's stop in and get coffee!
[Man turns off at the exit before she can respond]

or

Woman [thinking]: Mmm, premium coffee.
Woman: Would you like to stop here?
Man: Nah, I'm good.
Woman [thinking]: Bastard! I want coffee! Why didn't you ask if I wanted coffee? This is just like two days ago at the movie when I asked if you wanted to get popcorn and you said no and didn't offer to get it then, either! Why did I marry a jerk like you?
[they continue driving]

Now, a man would wonder, "Why all the fuss? If she wants coffee or popcorn or whatever, why not just say so? Any guy would be willing to stop for coffee for his wife." But that attitude misses the essential genius of the feminine approach. You see, women keep score, of everything. That's why they want the man to do things spontaneously and voluntarily.

If she actually asks for something and he delivers, he gets a relationship point (RP). Now, women never want to give men RPs, even bearing in mind that women count in their column not only everything they have ever done for men but also everything they wanted and didn't get. In her mind, the man's RPs have a half-life of maybe a couple weeks - it's all about what he's done for her lately. From an evolutionary perspective (and also just crass materialism), it makes sense. She wants a stream of continuous good things from him. She doesn't want him to take her for granted, ever.

But if she never actually asks for what she wants, she doesn't have to give him a point. After all, no one forced him to do it. He did it because he wanted to. He's a man. That's how men are. And why should she give him an RP for doing something he would've done on his own, anyway?

The solution? Use their own trick against them to get something approaching a fair score. If she asks you if you want something, tell her you could take it or leave it and then ask her if she wants it. Put the ball in her court. Get the RP you deserve. If you want something and you think she might want it, too, don't give her a free RP. Get her to agree to it first. Just make sure you don't talk this way around the guys because they interpret consensus-seeking as weakness.

Sample conversation:

Man [thinking]: Mmm, coffee.
Man: Honey, do you feel like getting a coffee?
Woman: Uh, sure, why not?
Woman [thinking]: How nice! He asked if I wanted a coffee. He's thinking about me! When we get home maybe I'll give him a blowjob.

Of course, after a few years of this, she'll eventually start feeling that something is very wrong. She won't have the huge lead in RPs that she's probably used to having. She won't be able to say exactly why, but she'll feel she's putting more work into the relationship than you're actually worth. In the end, she'll leave you for an average asshole guy so she can feel like she deserves to be condescending and bitchy and hormonal to him.

But then, she was going to leave you someday, anyway, you selfish bastard.